Thanksgiving

Well To be honest it SUCKED!!! I came home from work and my cat was dead. She was 9 and had been sick but still. Why is God playing that cruel sick joke on me. at least that is what it feels like. Oh Well. 2010 you need to be over!!!

The Holidays...are HERE!

Thanksgiving is this week...................
I know you want to know how I am feeling bout it. Well to be honest I am not sure! There is one moment when I feel like I am fine. But, then there is the next where I wish someone would come and kill me now!!! I can see why there are so many more suicides around the holidays. Not that I would or ever could. I just now understand. but as I have said before I have my "Happy Pills" and if they don't work the good ole doctor will fix that.



Is it crazy that I am actually thinking about dating again? And when I say again, I mean for the first time really in at least 5 years. But is it me that's talking or is it the realization that I am alone now?

That question opens up a whole other topic. Let me tell you that I know that I am not alone. BUT at the same time yes I am alone. and until you are literally walking a day in my shoes you don't now or will ever know what I am talking about. I do hope that you won't ever have these feelings.

Well....What?

First let me say that I am very sorry for not having written in months. But...it's been a very trying time. I am trying everyday to get better but as you know it's not wasy. the good thing to come out of all of this? I haven't spoken to "those" family members since the funeral. And you know what? I am HAPPY about it. No, really I am.



I have been trying to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life and to be honest I have no idea. The one thing that I do know is that I want to be HAPPY. but now it's trying to figure out what happy means to me.

It's been a while and I am sorry. It's not that I am doing great I am doing ok. I hung out with my "Bill" the other night. And I forgot how much I love him. He is such a great friend. Let's me be my crazy ole self. (and you know I can put my crazy out there) But also calls me on me. Do you understand? When I am trying to be fake and not myself he lets me know or reminds me that I don't have to have pretenses with him. I am who I am and that is why we are friends.


Friends. I MISS my friend. I miss him sooo much I can't even explain. Some friends of mine don't understand why I feel this way about this person. But I..........,can't explain it. Do I love this person?? Yes. With my whole heart. Am I IN LOVE with him?? No. I just want my friend.

SO why is it people can't ask you how you are doing but they can go and ask others?? Really? Chicken shits! Grow some balls and ask me yourself.

Happy for others????

How on earth am I suppose to be happy for others? Especially (yes I am a bitch for saying this) when they don't FUCKING deserve it????? Go ahead and tell me how to fake that!!!!!!

I couldn't have said it better.

So a friend described how I feel perfectly yesterday. " It's like being in a TV Show. You are saying your lines and watching everything yet you just don't feel like you are a part of it."

Seriously? I couldn't have really said it any better.



I WANT SO bad to be apart of it.....it's just I don't know how!!! I want to look at people and not be upset. I want to feel something other than sadness or anger!



The people that you think are going to be there for you are the ones who dissapoint you. And I don't know why that is. But then again if I knew that I probably wouldn't be sittting here writing this. Or maybe (yes I am about to say this) Maybe I just live in the movies. ;)

I watch way too much Lifetime, AMC, TCM. and Hallmark! But yes that is what I want and NO I am not asking too much. Because that is what I would do fo rmy Friends so yes I expect them to do that for me. Oh, wait........another dissapointment in the human race. I have had way tooo many in the past few years.

I hope that you all NEVER ever have to feel this way.

Does any of this make sense??

Hatred??

They say that there is many stages in the grief process. Is HATRED one of them???


1. DENIAL: At this stage of the process we are unwilling to accept the truth of the situation. This is also a stage of shock and we may feel like we are in a dream and will soon awaken to find the problem isn’t there.

2. ANGER: It is common for persons experiencing loss to feel angry and feel the need to blame themselves or others for their situation. It is not uncommon to feel that God is punishing you.

3. BARGAINING: This phase is brief but important. We tell ourselves if this problem goes away we will be a better person and will try to make up for mistakes in the past.

4. DEPRESSION: We feel depressed as we anticipate various kinds of changes in our living situations or even the loss of our own lives if we are suffering from a serious illness.

5. ACCEPTANCE: After moving through the previous steps we can finally accept what cannot change. We may no like the experience but we can accept it and move on with our lives.


According to many websites its not. Although I believe that it should be!!!

Life.....After a Death

So I started this site over a year ago and haven't added anything to it. I know. Bad me. But let's just say it hasn't been a boring year.
I can't even write the words. It took a while a few months I mean to write the words that my father had passed away. When will I be able to write it about grandma.
I will tell you this much my HEART HURTS!!!! I can't even begin to think about how much it hurts. Some people say that they don't know what to say.....but you really don't even have to say anything. It's just being there. Every once in a while I just need you to listen to me rant.

Here is what you need to know.
I cry everyday!! I cry every night as I drive home. It is hard enough for me to be happy at work and act like everything is a-ok when it's not. So don't look at me and think that I am going to go out with you and watch everyone around be happy and drink. because let me tell you I look at you and want to punch you in your fucking faces!!!!! And the sad thing is I don't care what you think or how you feel about that. Because right now it isn't about you Fuckers. It's about ME!





I wish that there was some magic pill or solution for this but I haven't heard of anything. There are days that I want ot be alone and then there are days that I don't. Even if I say I want to be alone I don't think I am telling you the truth.





I can't deal with anything anymore. How I actually get up everyday I have no idea. Do I mean the things I say?? who the fuck knows. Do I want to be happy?? FUCK YEAH I do. I just don't know how. Hell I don't even know how to take care of myself.