SO why is it people can't ask you how you are doing but they can go and ask others?? Really? Chicken shits! Grow some balls and ask me yourself.

Happy for others????

How on earth am I suppose to be happy for others? Especially (yes I am a bitch for saying this) when they don't FUCKING deserve it????? Go ahead and tell me how to fake that!!!!!!

I couldn't have said it better.

So a friend described how I feel perfectly yesterday. " It's like being in a TV Show. You are saying your lines and watching everything yet you just don't feel like you are a part of it."

Seriously? I couldn't have really said it any better.



I WANT SO bad to be apart of it.....it's just I don't know how!!! I want to look at people and not be upset. I want to feel something other than sadness or anger!



The people that you think are going to be there for you are the ones who dissapoint you. And I don't know why that is. But then again if I knew that I probably wouldn't be sittting here writing this. Or maybe (yes I am about to say this) Maybe I just live in the movies. ;)

I watch way too much Lifetime, AMC, TCM. and Hallmark! But yes that is what I want and NO I am not asking too much. Because that is what I would do fo rmy Friends so yes I expect them to do that for me. Oh, wait........another dissapointment in the human race. I have had way tooo many in the past few years.

I hope that you all NEVER ever have to feel this way.

Does any of this make sense??

Hatred??

They say that there is many stages in the grief process. Is HATRED one of them???


1. DENIAL: At this stage of the process we are unwilling to accept the truth of the situation. This is also a stage of shock and we may feel like we are in a dream and will soon awaken to find the problem isn’t there.

2. ANGER: It is common for persons experiencing loss to feel angry and feel the need to blame themselves or others for their situation. It is not uncommon to feel that God is punishing you.

3. BARGAINING: This phase is brief but important. We tell ourselves if this problem goes away we will be a better person and will try to make up for mistakes in the past.

4. DEPRESSION: We feel depressed as we anticipate various kinds of changes in our living situations or even the loss of our own lives if we are suffering from a serious illness.

5. ACCEPTANCE: After moving through the previous steps we can finally accept what cannot change. We may no like the experience but we can accept it and move on with our lives.


According to many websites its not. Although I believe that it should be!!!

Life.....After a Death

So I started this site over a year ago and haven't added anything to it. I know. Bad me. But let's just say it hasn't been a boring year.
I can't even write the words. It took a while a few months I mean to write the words that my father had passed away. When will I be able to write it about grandma.
I will tell you this much my HEART HURTS!!!! I can't even begin to think about how much it hurts. Some people say that they don't know what to say.....but you really don't even have to say anything. It's just being there. Every once in a while I just need you to listen to me rant.

Here is what you need to know.
I cry everyday!! I cry every night as I drive home. It is hard enough for me to be happy at work and act like everything is a-ok when it's not. So don't look at me and think that I am going to go out with you and watch everyone around be happy and drink. because let me tell you I look at you and want to punch you in your fucking faces!!!!! And the sad thing is I don't care what you think or how you feel about that. Because right now it isn't about you Fuckers. It's about ME!





I wish that there was some magic pill or solution for this but I haven't heard of anything. There are days that I want ot be alone and then there are days that I don't. Even if I say I want to be alone I don't think I am telling you the truth.





I can't deal with anything anymore. How I actually get up everyday I have no idea. Do I mean the things I say?? who the fuck knows. Do I want to be happy?? FUCK YEAH I do. I just don't know how. Hell I don't even know how to take care of myself.